GRANDPARENTS DAY- The official site.

Advice and information from Sally Houtman M.S.

Her book is titled: "TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE WE GO”

Q:
Is there a way to reassure a child that the way they're parents behave has nothing to do with how much you love them? My mother and I are trying to raise my son's son. We are also trying to get his little girl out of foster care. This has been very hard because she wants help. We love her very much .We had her for over three years of her life in our home. Neither of us has a living spouse. Everyone tells us love and prayers work wonders .I'M asking for prayers and advise. Thank you so much.

A:
Thanks for your question. In many ways, you seem to have answered your own question. Realizing yourself that the way their parents treat them is no reflection on the way you feel about them is often enough to relay this message to the grandchildren. Your belief will shine through in your words and your actions. You can also emphasize with your grandchildren at every opportunity that, just because their parents are not able to care for them, does not make you love them any less.

As you know, children yearn for the love of their parents, and no substitution seems to ease this longing. Acknowledging this openly helps. Sympathize with your grandchildren when they express these feelings, and be careful not to shut them down in hopes that they will stop feeling the loss of their parents' love in lieu of your love. Your love won't stop this yearning for them, but part of what your love does is helps them realize and cope with the reality that their parents are just not there for them. Always make sure to let them know that their parents' inability to give them what they need is a problem on the parents' part, and not a statement that they are not deserving of this love. Helping them understand their parents' limitations also helps them realize that they deserve love and validation, but not everyone is capable of giving it to them. This is where you step in.

I hope this helps. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sally Houtman